For example, in a resume never use LMFAO as it is too casual. Always spell it out completely.

Bad: I have over 25 years experience with iPhone application development, LMFAO!

Good: I have over 25 years experience with iPhone application development, laugh my fucking ass off!

Note: If you are applying for a job in the UK, or one of its former colonies, use the Queen’s English and use arse instead of ass. This will demonstrate your sophistication and your flexibility.

WARNING!!!!

Between now and December 31st, 2011, do not open an email with the subject line “Mayan Cocksucker 2012″!!!!

I checked Snopes and it’s not a hoax, it is for like totally real I swear! My husband is a cop and he even confirmed this is real.

If you open the email it will unleash a virus that will first delete all your registries and then set your C drive on fire! Several people have already been burned alive after their C drive set their entire work station on fire. They would have lived but they tried to check their email just one more time before their computer completely melted and the flames overcame them.

Then after your C drive is completely melted, the ghost of an ancient Mayan Prince will appear, jerk off, and shoot his hot cum all over your keyboard!

Then your computer will send the virus to everyone in your Outlook address book and charge $2012.00 worth of pink and blue Crocs® on your credit card!!!!

I repeat, DO NOT OPEN AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT LINE “MAYAN COCKSUCKER 2012″

IN FACT IF YOU GET THAT EMAIL YOU MIGHT AS WELL THROW OUT YOUR COMPUTER BECAUSE YOU ARE TOTALLY FUCKED ANYWAY!!!!!!!!

We know this is a hoax because it is impossible for your computer to send out emails and charge your credit card after the C drive has melted. Can’t happen.

But it’s not always a black and white situation. Comment spam is a continuum starting from the most pure to the most trashy and depraved. However there are clearly four personality types that dominate the commenting world and what their intentions are is the key factor on whether you give them a big hug or kick their ass to the curb and then set their dazed and bruised body on fire.

I’m speaking metaphorically of course because killing spammers is like totally illegal…for now.

The Babe In The Woods

Real Name + No Hyperlinks + Quality Comment Related to Post

Believe it or not some people have no idea that they can link their name to something. Anything. They have no agenda, nothing to promote, and just want to participate. Bless their little hearts and treat them well.

The SEO Savvy Participator

Mildly Spammy Keyword Name + Hyperlink + Quality Comment Related to Post

These are usually other bloggers who like to comment on other blogs but also appreciate the value of a good link. They will also always leave your comment on their blog in return. These are the “wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more” commenters of the blogging world. They know what they are doing, the blog admin knows what they are doing, and everyone’s cool with it because they don’t abuse the system.

The Clueless Link Whore

Spammy Keyword Name + Hyperlink + Questionable Comment

These are usually “English as a second language” types who are just trying to make a living promoting their own or their clients blogs. Their comments are always short, generic and often complimentary with a faint aroma of broken English. They understand a bit about linking for SEO purposes but no enough to truly understand what they are doing or to have any sense of “enough is enough”. Basically they are like little puppies that keep messing up the house.

The Scorched Earth Spammer

Super Spammy Keyword Name + Hyperlink(s) + Pointless Off  Topic Comment

These are usually SEO “professionals” and they indiscriminately spread their garbage everywhere. The have no problem commenting multiple times on every post on your blog. They’ll stuff their post with twenty links to every one of their own or their clients sites and won’t bother to even write a “cool post” bullshit blurb to help ease the ass rape they’re giving your blog. They think honest work is for suckers and have utmost contempt for anything pure, useful, or decent in this word. The most annoying thing is that it’s probably not even a human doing it to you – it’s one of their bots.

File This Amazing Information Under: The Four Comment Spam Personality Types. An authoritative and totally accurate guide to identifying comment spam.

I’M NOT FUCKING KIDDING! DON’T EVER DO IT!