Archive for Comment Spammers Are Retards….And I Mean FULL Retard

Comment Spam Personality Types – Identifying Blog Comment Spam

Comment spam is like pornography. You know it when you see it.

But it’s not always a black and white situation. Comment spam is a continuum starting from the most pure to the most trashy and depraved. However there are clearly four personality types that dominate the commenting world and what their intentions are is the key factor on whether you give them a big hug or kick their ass to the curb and then set their dazed and bruised body on fire.

I’m speaking metaphorically of course because killing spammers is like totally illegal…for now.

The Babe In The Woods

Real Name + No Hyperlinks + Quality Comment Related to Post

Believe it or not some people have no idea that they can link their name to something. Anything. They have no agenda, nothing to promote, and just want to participate. Bless their little hearts and treat them well.

The SEO Savvy Participator

Mildly Spammy Keyword Name + Hyperlink + Quality Comment Related to Post

These are usually other bloggers who like to comment on other blogs but also appreciate the value of a good link. They will also always leave your comment on their blog in return. These are the “wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more” commenters of the blogging world. They know what they are doing, the blog admin knows what they are doing, and everyone’s cool with it because they don’t abuse the system.

The Clueless Link Whore

Spammy Keyword Name + Hyperlink + Questionable Comment

These are usually “English as a second language” types who are just trying to make a living promoting their own or their clients blogs. Their comments are always short, generic and often complimentary with a faint aroma of broken English. They understand a bit about linking for SEO purposes but no enough to truly understand what they are doing or to have any sense of “enough is enough”. Basically they are like little puppies that keep messing up the house.

The Scorched Earth Spammer

Super Spammy Keyword Name + Hyperlink(s) + Pointless Off  Topic Comment

These are usually SEO “professionals” and they indiscriminately spread their garbage everywhere. The have no problem commenting multiple times on every post on your blog. They’ll stuff their post with twenty links to every one of their own or their clients sites and won’t bother to even write a “cool post” bullshit blurb to help ease the ass rape they’re giving your blog. They think honest work is for suckers and have utmost contempt for anything pure, useful, or decent in this word. The most annoying thing is that it’s probably not even a human doing it to you – it’s one of their bots.

File This Amazing Information Under: The Four Comment Spam Personality Types. An authoritative and totally accurate guide to identifying comment spam.

How to Kick a Comment Spammer's Ass

How to Kick a Comment Spammer’s Ass

If I could track down these spammers, and set them on fire while they were typing out their gibberish, I would.

But I can’t, because I don’t know where they live – which is like total bullshit!

If I did, it would be righteous because their last comment spam would look like this  – “What a great post but if you really want to get the cheapest prices on Viagra you should check out…hey, what the fuck are you doing in my house…hey, aren’t you that famous online marketing guru…aaaaahhh I’m on fucking  fire!”

Yes, it’s truly unfortunate that you can’t reach through your WordPress admin panel and just throttle the neck of these punk ass spammers. However, you can stop nearly all of them in their tracks with two, I mean three, wait it’s actually two, simple things that are built right into WordPress. In fact, these are the very first things I do after setting up one of my super killer money making blogging machines.

Correct that, it’s the second thing actually. I always high five myself for my awesomeness first. It’s a ritual that keeps me focused and pumped. Don’t make anything more of it. It’s just a ritual.

So the first thing you do is activate your Akismet plug. I comes pre-installed. Akismet is an acronym for Ass Kicking for Ignorant Spammers and Moronic Egotistical Twitfucks – or something along those lines. Don’t quote me but I’m like 93% sure that’s right.

akismet plugin activation

So you’ll go to your plugins page and the very top one will be Akismet. But first you’ll need an API key. So you go there by clicking on the API key link.  You could buy one, but if you have any sense you’ll choose the free on for personal use at the bottom. Scroll to the bottom and click use Akismet for free!

akismet sign up page

Myself, I have the “Killer Executive Suite” subscription because I make so much friggin’ money from my blogs. It’s not even available to the general public. It’s like having an American Express Black card – invite only – so you know it’s loser free. I was invited of course, because like I said, I make so friggin’ much money from my blogs.

Now once you get your key, go back to the plugins page and choose activate. It will then ask you to put in your API key. Now don’t act like some old AOL/Windows ’98 retard by typing in the API key one character at a time. You’ll get it wrong. Use the brains god gave you and cut and paste the thing. And I don’t mean with scissors. Highlight the API Key and then press Ctrl+C. Then put your cursor (the little arrow mouse thingy) in the box and press Ctrl+V. Don’t worry it won’t disappear during the transition. Your computer can remember this shit just fine.

There. You’re done.

Next you’ll want to go to Settings/Discussion. These are the settings for comments and you can make it as tight or as loose as you want depending on your aversion to risk. As a successful online entrepreneur worth millions, I naturally have a low aversion to risk. That’s why I’m so mindfuckingly rich and why thousands pack my seminars. So being a gutsy guy I keep my settings just tight enough to keep most trolls at bay but not enough to keep them all – I need a few to get through so I can work my stress out on their pale nerdified bodies! Way better than Pilates for working the core baby!

I always check to be notified when anyone posts a comment or when a comment is held for moderation because you need to be on top of your game or you fail. And failure is not an option! I also set it to hold comments if anyone posts 2 or more links. No one needs more than one link if they are focused. Excessive hyperlinking shows mental weakness and I have no room in my life for weakness that just makes you less stronger. As I say in my best selling  book “Really Strong Dad, Totally Weak Dad” – Strength is Strong™!

Together, I call these my Chadized WP Power Settings™. Feel free to use them free of charge as I released  my preferences under a fair use license as a gift back to the blogo-spherical community. Plus I don’t need the chump change I’d make from license agreements because I’m so mindfuckingly rich anyway. It’s just not worth my time to set up the structure needed to properly manage the rights to my awesome and most effective WP settings.

Here’s a screen shot of my Chadized™ settings:

chadized discussion settings word press

One thing you’ll notice is I don’t allow pingbacks. Pingbacks just deface your hard work with  jibberjabberish  from scrapper sites looking for some link juice. Not on my dime bucko! You want some free juice, then go jack a carton of Minute Maid from the 7-11 because this juice bar is closed biotch!

So there you go. Now you know my secrets to protecting your blog from comment spam and you didn’t even have to drop $1,500 at one of my exclusive and super popular Outrageous Secretive Secrets for Total Interweb Domination™ seminars!

Now go get Chadized™!

File This Killer Information Under: How to Stop Comment Spam from Fucking Up Your Blog – Tips and Tricks for Stopping, Preventing, and Destroying Comment Spam on Your WordPress Blog

Comment Spammers Are Anti-Social Dim Wits

Comment spammers are in a spam class by themselves. They infect your blog with useless, inane ramblings that have little if any relevance to the actual post content. They use names like Key West Ferry, Replica Handbags, and Hong Kong Holidays in an attempt to get a keyword rich hyperlink to their own or their client’s website. They’ll spam any blog with impunity but are particularly fond of “dofollow” blogs for their coveted link juice. The comments below this post are a fine example of the garbage generated by these spammers.