Comment Spam Personality Types – Identifying Blog Comment Spam

Comment spam is like pornography. You know it when you see it.

But it’s not always a black and white situation. Comment spam is a continuum starting from the most pure to the most trashy and depraved. However there are clearly four personality types that dominate the commenting world and what their intentions are is the key factor on whether you give them a big hug or kick their ass to the curb and then set their dazed and bruised body on fire.

I’m speaking metaphorically of course because killing spammers is like totally illegal…for now.

The Babe In The Woods

Real Name + No Hyperlinks + Quality Comment Related to Post

Believe it or not some people have no idea that they can link their name to something. Anything. They have no agenda, nothing to promote, and just want to participate. Bless their little hearts and treat them well.

The SEO Savvy Participator

Mildly Spammy Keyword Name + Hyperlink + Quality Comment Related to Post

These are usually other bloggers who like to comment on other blogs but also appreciate the value of a good link. They will also always leave your comment on their blog in return. These are the “wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more” commenters of the blogging world. They know what they are doing, the blog admin knows what they are doing, and everyone’s cool with it because they don’t abuse the system.

The Clueless Link Whore

Spammy Keyword Name + Hyperlink + Questionable Comment

These are usually “English as a second language” types who are just trying to make a living promoting their own or their clients blogs. Their comments are always short, generic and often complimentary with a faint aroma of broken English. They understand a bit about linking for SEO purposes but no enough to truly understand what they are doing or to have any sense of “enough is enough”. Basically they are like little puppies that keep messing up the house.

The Scorched Earth Spammer

Super Spammy Keyword Name + Hyperlink(s) + Pointless Off  Topic Comment

These are usually SEO “professionals” and they indiscriminately spread their garbage everywhere. The have no problem commenting multiple times on every post on your blog. They’ll stuff their post with twenty links to every one of their own or their clients sites and won’t bother to even write a “cool post” bullshit blurb to help ease the ass rape they’re giving your blog. They think honest work is for suckers and have utmost contempt for anything pure, useful, or decent in this word. The most annoying thing is that it’s probably not even a human doing it to you – it’s one of their bots.

File This Amazing Information Under: The Four Comment Spam Personality Types. An authoritative and totally accurate guide to identifying comment spam.

14 Spammy Comments

  1. Hahaha… Classic!

    You nailed the personalities well.

    I run a bunch of blogs and sites based on wordpress. It’s amazing how much spam i receive. It’s such a big waste of time, akismet does a good job for me, and all these philipino / outsourced people getting paid $2 an hour to comment spam are achieving nothing for their clients / bosses.

    When will people learn? Never, it seems like.


    • Chad "The Mad" Goulia

      Hallelujah, a real comment. Thanks.

      Will they ever learn? No. Because learnin’ is for suckas!
      The sad part is if they took two minutes to actually read my post and then wrote something decent, I wouldn’t fuck with them and they’d get to keep their lame-ass hyperlink.

  2. Hysterical. I love this blog! You can make me your bi-tch anytime!

  3. Hey nice. Nice interpretation of blog commentators i also run a blog and get lots of spammy comments on that.

  4. Honestly, I don’t know what you will or won’t leave alone, so I’ll take the semi-savvy approach. I love the comment right above this one by PersonalFN. Oh Wait. Gosh, now I sound like that.

    Fun post. I guess my blogs aren’t popular enough to be too annoying. I let good comments stand. The rest I toss in the can.

    cd :O)

    • Chad "The Mad" Goulia

      All real comments stay. Anyone who seriously kisses my butt stays. Anyone who actually reads the post and proves it with an on topic comment stays. Anyone who is wildly entertaining stays. Retards, robots and abusers get deleted or get their anchor text rewritten. Someday this blog will have a PR of like a billion and all those spammers will be groveling for a precious few drops of my glorious link juice while simultaneously kicking themselves for being such a-holes. Oh yeah!

  5. I Am A Spammer -

    well its interesting for commenting because I don’t know what you will and whats approach of semi-savvy

    • Chad "The Mad" Goulia

      Oh, you totally fucked up brother. I almost left your comment but then you had to go and post spam on all my other blogs. So I flagged all six comments as spam which means you’ll probably be blocked now from about any Word Press blog running Akismet. You are clearly a “clueless link whore” in case you’re interested. You also qualify for new and improved name. No need to thank me biotch!

  6. That’s a brilliant way to describe the personalities we meet on-line. But how do you fit kgun in? And what is a biotch?

    • Chad "The Mad" Goulia

      Pronounced “bee-yotch” it’s a slang pronunciation of the word bitch. It’s used when you want to infuse the word bitch with a bit more playfulness, emphasis and attitude. Also used as a closing at the end of a smack down or after putting someone in their place verbally.

      Examples of usage:

      “Whassup biotch!” As in a greeting among friends.

      “Your going down biotch!” As in what you might say to a competitor.

      “How you like them apples, biotch!” As in what Will Hunting might have said to the preppy guy at the bar when he got that girl’s phone number.

      So you got all that biotch?

  7. I was almost afraid to comment but I just cant resist, so here is my comment.

    I Love what your doing! Its funny and true, entertaining and I’m glad I found this blog (though I’m not sure how I actually ended up here) I am definitely going to tell my friends about your site, I know they are going to enjoy it as much as I have.

    Thanks man,


  8. Chad "The Mad" Goulia

    You get to stay.

  9. OK so after reading this I have determined that I am the SEO Savvy Participator, but only because I am afraid to put anything other than a real name in the “name” field. What is generally acceptable to put in the name field? I want to put maybe my company name or some keywords, but I am always worried it will just get shot down. Is it worth the risk to put my company name, or is it just better to get a larger quantity of backlinks out there with the Anchor text of “Michael”? Thanks for the help!

What Are You Waiting For? Make a Comment Biotch!